


It's Strictly Professional

by Whack_the_beetle



Series: It‘s strictly professional [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Aphra can't win, Aphra's happy reunion with her former boss, Completely AU, Crack treated half-way seriously, Crooks cheating on crooks, Hondo's got it all planned out, Nobody in their right mind makes deals with Hondo, Vader saves the day as usual, Warning for undue violence against people wearing life support suits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21924577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whack_the_beetle/pseuds/Whack_the_beetle
Summary: Life isn't easy if one is on the run from Darth Vader, as Aphra comes to find out, and what could be more convenient in this situation than a few easily earned credits?Too bad that deals with Hondo Ohnaka have a habit of biting one in the ass, and when Darth Vader appears on site, it doesn't take long before everything goes completely pear-shaped.
Relationships: Chelli Lona Aphra & Darth Vader
Series: It‘s strictly professional [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582756
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	It's Strictly Professional

**Author's Note:**

> So this barmy idea was hugely inspired by izzythehutt's famous and completely hilarious 'In Loco Pirates'. She certainly made me appreciate Hondo Ohnaka as a character in a story, and if you haven't read it yet, I can only recommend it.

She should have known that deals with Hondo usually meant more trouble than they were worth.  
  
Ignoring the blasters pointed straight at her face, Aphra slowly turned around to confront the slippery Weequay.  
“What the kriff is going on Hondo? We had a deal – I deliver the goods, you give me the credits – end of story.”  
  
Or so she had thought.  
Leave it to Hondo to make things more complicated than they had to be.  
She should have known - for Force sake she did know of course that one couldn’t entrust Hondo Ohnaka with a snowdrift in winter – but funds were low and potential new clients hard to come by if one wanted to avoid unnecessary imperial attention of the Dark Lord variety.  
The deal with Hondo had seemed a good idea at the time – easy, discreet and reasonably well paid.  
She shouldn’t be so surprised to find out that there was a snag. If something sounded too good to be true, it usually was.  
  
“Quite right, so you did, and I have to say it was a pleasure to do business with you again Aphra, my old friend,” Hondo said, nonchalantly relieving her of her own blaster, and patting down all of her pockets for good measure.  
  
Aphra let herself be steered over to a chair, wincing only slightly when she heard the binders snap into place.  
“So, where’s the catch then?”  
  
“The catch?” Hondo blinked at her with an air of innocence she didn’t believe for a second.  
“Ah, an unfortunate misunderstanding – there is no catch. But you see, my good Doctor, you coming here to my humble abode opens up completely new business prospects. I would even go as far as to call it a Force-send, if you do believe in such things.”  
  
She didn’t like the sound of that one bit. “Hondo, what did you do?”  
  
“Oh, it’s nothing personal, but surely you can understand that I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity?” “I am businessman after all, and trade isn’t what it used to be, if you get my meaning. Yes, times are hard, and one has to make a living out of something after all…”  
  
“Oh, shut up you stinking turncoat,” she groaned, cutting off what promised to develop into a lengthy and verbose rationalization of questionable credibility.  
“I get it – you mean to cash in on a bounty. Who?”  
  
“That’s putting it so negatively,” he whined, “I prefer to say I help somebody find someone they were looking for, and get a little finder’s fee for my trouble.”  
  
Aphra rolled her eyes and snorted. “Right. Who, Hondo?”  
  
Her question was answered when to Aphra’s horror the distinct whine of a TIE fighter thundered over the cave system where Hondo had pitched camp.  
  
Ignoring the sinking feeling in her gut, Aphra glared at him. “You sold me to the Empire?! That’s low, even for you Hondo.”  
  
He gave her apologetic shrug as if to say ‘Well, what can you do?’ “Well, not the Empire technically…”  
  
“Wha…?” Her stomach did an uncomfortable backflip when Aphra put the pieces together. Feeling positively green, she closed her eyes, and took several deep breaths to fend off the first stirrings of a full-blown panic attack.  
  
It didn’t help much because there, striding towards them from the mouth of the cave came the embodiment of her all-too-frequent nightmares since her involuntary and near fatal stroll out of an airlock.  
Vader approached them at a brisk pace, cape flaring out dramatically behind him, and if she hadn’t been so preoccupied with the suddenly very diminished prospects for her own survival, Aphra would have probably thought the grand entrance quite fetching.  
As it stood, the unhoped-for reunion with her former boss was about as welcome as a rancor at a garden party.  
  
She let out a resigned sigh. “Well, I guess it was nice while it lasted.”  
Who was she kidding? She hadn’t really believed that she could outrun him forever, and that this day would come was as sure as the slime trail behind a Hutt. Still, it was nice to be alive, and Aphra didn’t particularly look forward to her inevitably messy and painful end.  
  
Hondo patted her shoulder reassuringly. “Ah, my dear Doctor, don’t fret. All is not as it seems, and good old Hondo may yet have a few tricks up his sleeve.”  
  
With that dubious statement he left her side, and walked towards the Dark Lord, arms outstretched as if he was meeting a long lost and dear old friend rather than the second-in-command of the Empire.  
“Lord Vader,” he exclaimed, “we are honoured that you grace us with your presence!”  
  
“Speak for yourself,” Aphra muttered underneath her breath.  
  
The Sith Lord came to a stop, mask glaring down at the Weequay.  
“Well Ohnaka, I hope for your sake that I haven’t made this journey in vain.”  
  
“In vain? But surely a journey to lovely Florrum could never be in vain, could it? Have you ever…?”  
  
“Do not test my patience pirate! Doctor Aphra, where is she?” Vader snapped.  
  
“Ah, I see right down to business it is then,” Hondo said, rubbing his hands in anticipation.  
“But that is quite understandable, isn’t it? You are a very busy man after all, and squeezing in a meeting with my humble self in between your duties as the Emperor’s durasteel fist…”  
  
Hondo’s waffling was cut short by a high-pitched squeak, as the found himself suddenly short of breath.  
  
“The Doctor, Ohnaka,” Vader growled, releasing the Weequay who promptly collapsed on the floor, coughing and massaging his throat.  
  
“No harm done,” he assured brightly, bouncing back to his feet, as if anyone had enquired after his well-being, and Aphra wondered with perverse curiosity how long it would take before Vader’s legendary short fuse blew and he just snapped the pirate’s neck.  
  
“She’s right there, my lord. We have secured her at the back, if you would care to step a little closer."  
Giving him a ludicrous half-bow, he ushered Vader further into the cave.  
  
As if he could suddenly sense her, Vader’s helmet snapped up and turned in her direction.  
She watched him approach as if in slow-motion, privately thinking to herself that it was rather unfair that all she got to stare at in her last minutes of life were the unforgivable lenses of his mask. Wasn’t her whole life supposed to play out before her eyes like a holomovie or something like that?  
With a blinding flash of white light, time suddenly righted itself again, like a rubber band snapping back into place, and then all hell broke loose.  
  
An almighty crash shook the cave down to its foundations, and Aphra quickly closed her eyes as dust and small rocks rained down on her head. Screams and shouts broke out, accompanied by the distinct sounds of a lightsaber and blaster fire. A second flash of bright light illuminated the cavern, followed by a groan and the dull sound of something heavy dropping to the floor.  
  
When nothing further happened, Aphra carefully opened her watering eyes, squinting through the dust and smoke.  
  
Part of the ceiling had come down in the initial explosion, squashing one of thugs in the process, and rubble was lying everywhere.  
When the dust cleared somewhat though, Aphra was treated to the sight of Vader _kneeling_ on the floor amidst the dismembered remains of Hondo’s rabble; and behind him Hondo was just putting the finishing touches to a complicated knot of rope that tied the Dark Lord’s arms behind his back and to his equally bound legs.  
  
Aphra inhaled sharply in shock, and had to wait for the ensuing coughing fit to subside before rounding on the Weequay.  
“Holy kriffing shit! Are you completely insane?!” she squeaked. “What the kark are you doing? He’s going to kill us all!”  
  
“Ah, not to worry, my dear,” Hondo said cheerfully, giving his handiwork one last one-over before getting up with a satisfied nod. “Hondo’s got it all under control.”  
  
Somehow she very much doubted that.  
  
“He’s no threat like this, see?” the intrepid pirate explained, and went on to pat the top of Darth Vader’s helmet to demonstrate his point.  
  
Aphra’s eyes widened in horror at the potentially suicidal gesture. When Death didn’t strike him down where he stood though, she relaxed a little and curiosity got the better of her.  
“What did you do to him?”  
  
“Ion blast,” Hondo proclaimed happily, rapping his knuckles affectionately against the hand-held ion cannon that _she_ had notabene sold him not a day earlier.  
“Disables electronic equipment and took care of his lightsaber.”  
He frowned down at the prone shape of Darth Vader, thoughtfully rubbing his leathery chin. “Might have short-circuited some wires in that suit too, now I come to think about it.”  
  
Now that he mentioned it, Aphra noticed for the first time that Vader did indeed look somewhat worse for wear.  
The lights on his control box blinked rather erratically, and his respirator gave off a decidedly unhealthy sounding wheeze.  
  
The sight was far from reassuring though; if anything she imagined the damage done would only achieve to infuriate the murderous Sith Lord even further, promising that their respective deaths would not only be shortly in the making, but as unpleasant as possible to boot.  
  
“Haven’t you forgotten a crucial point there?” she asked the Weequay, who had proceeded to pick his way through his fallen comrades, nudging a body here and there with his toe to check for life signs.  
  
“A shame, some of these lads were worthy pirates, and it looks like I lost half my crew there,” he lamented.  
  
“Yes well, if we don’t want to follow their example, I suggest we be on our way, and quickly. He doesn’t _need_ a lightsaber, or even a fully functioning body, to snuff out somebody’s candle, in case you have forgotten.”  
  
“You are referring to his Force powers I assume? Do not think that I haven’t thought about that, my friend. Good old Hondo knows his stuff when it comes to dealing with Force-sensitives.”  
He gave her an annoying wink and tapped the side of his nose with his forefinger.  
“In fact, have I ever told you the story where I captured two Jedi and Sith Lord? No? Well you see, that was one of my more ingenious plans, if I do say so myself…”  
  
“Hondo, the point?” she interrupted him before he could drift too far off the topic.  
  
“Ah yes, you see when dealing with Jedi or Sith, these beauties here always come in handy.”  
With a flourish he pulled off a dusty cloth off a cage she had previously overlooked to reveal an oddly patterned reptile sitting calmly on a piece of rock at the bottom of the cage.  
“Ysalamir,” he stated proudly, and Aphra was secretly relieved that he had at least refrained from shouting ‘ta-dah’ before his big revelation.  
  
Aphra was less than impressed. “So you mean to tell me that a… what’s it anyway? …some kind of lizard is going to save the day here?”  
  
Hondo clucked his tongue indignantly. “That’s not just any kind of lizard, Doctor, Ysalamiri are most known for their ability to repel the Force by creating a Force-neutral bubble.”  
  
“Very clever, pirate, but it was foolish,” the oddly distorted voice of the Dark Lord suddenly boomed out, making them both jump. “Do not underestimate the power of the Force. Whatever the purpose of this imprudent scheme of yours, it will not work. You will find your plans confounded and your life at an end. If you value your worthless hide, I would suggest that you run now, as fast and as far as you can, before I free myself of these paltry shackles.”  
  
Aphra raised an eyebrow as a means to say 'See? Told you so', but Hondo remained remarkably unperturbed.  
  
“Wise counsel, Lord Vader, but where would be the fun in that? I do have to say you remind me a lot of the Jedi of old. Granted they were usually a bit more politely spoken, but they too had very little humour generally speaking. Although I do remember one of them in particular back in the days of the Clone Wars…”  
  
“Enough of this!” Vader barked.  
“You will unhand me, immediately, and I may yet consider to give you a merciful death. Fail to comply, and you will rue the day you were born!”  
  
“Ah, Lord Vader, certainly you can understand that to do so is not in my best interest at the moment,” Hondo said matter-of-factly, and Aphra bit back a snort at what had to be the understatement of the century.  
  
“Your interests and whatever you hope to achieve by this foolish endeavour do not concern me Ohnaka," Vader said coldly.  
  
“I respectfully must beg to differ, my lord. Strange how some things happen, isn’t it? But my interests do, in fact, concern you quite a bit.  
Oh, let me reassure you it’s nothing personal - all strictly business-related of course.”  
At this the Weequay had the nerve to walk over to the Dark Lord, stretching out a hand as if to pat an armoured shoulder. He quickly faltered under the stern glare he received for his troubles, folding his arms behind his back instead.  
  
“What do you mean by this, pirate scum?”   
  
“Oh, it’s but a small affair, your illustriousness, nothing too troublesome indeed. But surely you must be are aware of the fact that a few sizable bounties have been put on that shiny helmet of yours? Yes?”  
  
Taking the Sith Lord’s stony silence as confirmation, Hondo quickly steamrollered on. “Naturally, none of them have ever been claimed, and I wouldn’t have thought that such a feat could possibly be accomplished. But then it came to my ears that a new bounty had been issued on the good Doctor here by none other than Darth Vader himself, and I thought to myself, why not? If you can catch the mouse, you can catch the Loth-cat chasing it, so to speak, and here we are.”  
  
Aphra wanted to bury her face in her hands.  
Great, so she had not only sold Hondo the equipment that allowed him to incapacitate Darth Vader, but now he had also made it sound as if she had been complicit in the whole affair from the very beginning. Thanks Hondo.  
The fact that the pirate was currently probably quite a bit higher up on the Dark Lord’s shitlist than her wasn’t a great comfort either, and she did so not want to be around when this all inevitably blew up in their faces.  
  
Smelling her chance, she butted in before the Sith’s temper could explode upon them.  
“Yes, very clever Hondo, nice plan and all that. But since you clearly have no longer any need of me, I am sure you wouldn’t mind if I was on my way? I’m a teensy bit pressed for time, if you know what I mean.”  
She gave him her most winning smile, rattling her binders to emphasize the point.  
  
“Ah, I’m afraid that’s not possible, my dear Doctor,” Hondo sighed gravely, as if he truly regretted to inform her of that fact.  
“You see, while capturing Lord Vader naturally meant that I would have to forego the bounty he had put on your head, it would be positively wasteful if I didn’t capitalize on the fact that I have you here now with me, wouldn’t it? And as it so happens one bounty hunter by the name of Bossk seems to be particularly interested, offering a reasonable sum to the person who delivers you to him. He seems to have taken serious offence for some reason - a small affair concerning the robbery of an Imperial ship I hear – and while the credits he offers is not quite what I would have gotten from Lord Vader, the substantial amount Black Sun is willing to pay for his head more than compensates for the loss.”  
  
He beamed at them as if expecting praise for having come up with such a sound business model, and she had to give it to him – only Hondo would think to boast to Darth Vader of all people about the amount of credits he intended to make by ransoming him out to a criminal organisation.  
  
It went down about as well as one would expect.  
  
“Spare us the details of your illicit machinations,” the Dark Lord spat, “it matters not…. what you think you can gain by this…” The respirator gave off a particularly loud wheeze, and Vader obviously had to work hard to force the words out. “… your schemes will not work…” another loud wheeze, “…and you shall be dead regardless.”  
  
Aphra felt the first stirrings of real concern when she watched him slump over slightly, as if speaking had exhausted him considerably.  
However, she had to agree with him - probability was high that Hondo’s plan would backfire spectacularly, and if Black Sun got involved into this whole mess too, she really did not want to stick around to watch the fireworks.  
  
Highly time to scram then, and while the prospect of being handed over to Bossk didn’t exactly float her boat, she’d rather take her chances with him than Darth Vader.  
“Alrighty then," she interrupted the heavy silence that had followed Vader's latest death threats. “Let’s get a move on then, shall we? Last I heard Bossk was skulking around somewhere near Zygerria, so it shouldn’t take him too long to arrive, and you would be rid of me in no time at all.”  
  
Hondo seemed to considere this for a moment, but then shook his head decidedly.  
“While your suggestion certainly has its merit, my dear Doctor, I’d rather stick to my original plan. First we wait for Black Sun to take Vader off our hands, and then we will contact Bossk.”  
  
“But why?” Aphra groused, dismayed that he had shot down another of her potential escape plans.  
  
“Well, I can’t very well call the Empire here while I keep his chief enforcer captive, can I now?” Hondo sniffed, as if anyone should have thought of this flaw in her plan.  
  
When nobody did, she gave in and asked the obvious question that hung in the air. “What’s the Empire now got to do with the price of fish on Naboo, Hondo?”  
  
“Ah, a good question, my old friend, and I am glad you asked it. You see what I have failed to mention – no ill intent there I assure you - is that the Empire promises an agreeable sum to the person who helps in the capture of one Doctor Chelli Lona Aphra and one bounty hunter by the name of Bossk – apparently something to do with an attack on an imperial ship and the theft of a sizeable amount of credits – but anyway, what a unlikely concurrence of circumstances, eh? And Hondo here plans to be the lucky winner who takes advantage of it all.”  
  
Aphra gaped at him incredulously.  
“So let me get this straight: You tricked me into coming here in order to sell me out to Vader; then you double-crossed him, throwing him to the mercies of Black Sun and pawning me off to Bossk instead; and now, to top it all off, you want to screw Bossk, conveniently cashing in on the bounty the Empire has put on his head and mine?”  
  
“Precisely, my good Doctor, I couldn’t have put it better myself.”  
  
This was completely, utterly barking mad. It was so insane in fact that it might even work.  
But no matter who came out on top in this bizarre showdown, Aphra was kriffed either way if she didn’t manage to do a bunk now, and that seemed rather unlikely, unless…  
She shot the hulking frame of Darth Vader a calculating glance, and quickly formed a plan of her own.  
  
Crossing her legs, she let herself slump comfortably back into her chair.  
“Well Hondo, what can I say? I guess that’s us outsmarted,” she laughed. “I’d better hurry up if I were you though, before you get cheated out of your main prize."   
Hondo furrowed his brow in confusion. “What do you mean?”  
  
Hook. Aphra jerked her head in the direction of the Dark Lord. “Well, look at the state of him - if you ask me he will be not much longer for this world, and while you would probably do the whole galaxy a favour if he snuffed it, delivering a mere corpse is sure to knock off a substantial amount of your winnings.”  
  
“Too true, too true - the bounty states ‘alive only’,” the Weequay said slowly, gormlessly confirming her suspicions, “and having him die on us would certainly mean a major setback.”  
He helplessly looked the massive form of Vader up and down. “You honestly think it’s that bad?”  
  
Line. “Well, obviously I cannot be entirely sure from over here,” she hedged, “but sounds very much like your ion blast took well and truly care of that respirator of his, and Force knows what other parts of the life support unit have been damaged.”  
  
“Ah, that is unfortunate indeed, and I admit I haven’t thought of that.”  
Pursing his lips thoughtfully, Hondo tapped a finger against his mouth while he pondered the problem.  
“Ah, but I have it!” He snipped and pointed his index finger at her. “You, my old friend, are good with mechanics, can you not do something about it?”  
  
Aaand sinker. “I could probably,” she said with carefully studied reluctance. “Please understand that I am a droid archaeologist and not a medic,” she interjected upon catching sight of his ecstatic expression. “However, most of that tech is probably old enough to fall into my field of expertise anyway.”  
She gave him a predatory grin.  
  
Hondo clapped his hands enthusiastically. “Splendid! I knew I could count on you, Aphra!”  
  
“Ah, ah, not so fast Hondo. If I do this for you, I want something in return. I propose a bargain – I help you with Vader here, and in return you let me off the hook.”  
  
”Yeah, well…”  
  
“Come on Hondo, think about it - you win either way, “ she wheedled, “and I could even help you getting one over Bossk if you let me in on the job. I want ten percent of the profit though.”  
  
Hondo shook his forefinger at her. “Let’s not go overboard Aphra - five percent.”  
  
“Fine, five percent!"  
  
“Deal!”

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I kind of think that Hondo is too crazy in this, Aphra too guileless and Vader overall too weak and vulnerable.  
> My excuse for Vader being uncharacteristically helpless is that all of the things I describe did in fact happen to him at one point, if not all at the same time of course.  
> Well, I am doing my best to try and keep them in character, and hopefully we'll see some more of the characteristic Vader-heroics in the next chapter.


End file.
